Hi, I’m the big Scunge (pronounced scoonge, as in “scungile”); I’ve been assigned to start writing about sports by my defacto boss @emiliosparks. So here it is; its called “Scunge Sports”.

So the NBA lockout is over. So what does that mean? Does it mean anything? I mean, it means something if you’re a fan (nothing if you haven’t watched since MJ called it a career, just keep watching Hardwood Classics on NBATV). What we’re getting is a truncated season that starts late, ends late and is minimalized. How so? To what degree? Well right now it looks like a 66 game season beginning on Christmas Day (December 25th for those not in the know) and ending the last week of June; playoffs included.

Now if you ask me, this is one of the better things the NBA has done for the fans and itself in recent years. For one, we get a less arduous season of meaningless games up at the front. The NFL is still captivating us and treating the sports fan as if every game between all teams carry meaning, first two weeks of NBA games not so much. Also; a point which most fans of the casual sort at least have failed to notice is that they are attracted to superstars. More often than not, these superstars are a lil older, have a few more nagging injuries and boo boos and the extra time off will only be to their benefit. So at least we’ll be seeing them at their healthiest.

At the end of the season, come playoff time, around the beginning of June, it should be a nice quiet dead zone in sports. The Stanley Cup will be wrapping up, people won’t even start thinking football yet, and baseball won’t even be sniffing the all-star break so the NBA will potentially have the eyes of the sports world. Personally, being a New Yorker without a vested interest in the Knicks, the 2011-12 season brings me one year closer to hitching my band to the wagon of the newly crowned Brooklyn…whatevertheyregonnabecalled.

So get nice & toasty by the fire and get ready for the NBA. Ima go watch some football. Adios.

Yeah, so I’m lazy. The less work that has to be done to accomplish a goal is gonna be done. Period. I’m not gonna go the extra mile. I’m not gonna put the cherry on the top; not my style. Somethings done, its done; that’s it.But that’s just talking about effort, let’s take it a step even further…I don’t even like to do the bare minimum. Like “oh you have to do this…” no. I don’t wanna. If the most work I have to do the whole day is roll over and readjust my pillow and blanket I’d be one happy camper.

Let someone else do it, I’ll pay em. If something MUST be done by me, it could be done later…or tomorrow! Even better! I’m so lazy that I delay my procrastination. That’s the level of sloth you’re dealing with wit me.

Ok so all the exposition is outta the way, let’s get into some real heady shit, we’re gonna break the 4th wall of the whole “Emilio Sparks Experience”. Now, I write a column on Emilio Sparks’ website as you know (cause you’re here reading this, so of course you know), its called “Scunge Says…” and it covers topics that I (Scunge) feel like shootin the shit about and it comes out pretty much monthly. Only problem is, I’m lazy as hell as we’ve just discussed. So every 25 days or so, Emilio starts nudgin me “Hey, I need a column”, “hey, let’s get another ‘Scunge Says’ up there”, “HEY! Wake the fuck up!” Then I start pokin n proddin my ever dwindling brain cells to pull out some subject to write a few paragraphs about because he says some people actually read the column…I don’t buy it, but that’s for another day…but a couple paragraphs, that’s all that’s asked of me. Now Emilio Sparks isn’t some sort of slave trader or task master, so its basically the bare minimum of requests.

How do I respond to this? Usually by not opening Sparks’ BBM’s so he can’t see the little R that comes up on the left of the Blackberry screen to indicate that I’ve received, opened and read the message, followed by a few more days of friend avoidance and finally the epiphany and writing of this textual deviance.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to reveal that I’m a terrible friend, shitty employee and can’t handle the responsibility of even the most menial of tasks. I’m not saying I’m retiring from the blog writing business…I’m just saying that if you ever wondered what the delay was between my postings, you now know. I’m gonna get up outta bed and start the day now. Ugh, here we go…

Scunge says WWF Ice Cream Bars. I don’t have to say much else…but I will. For about 15 years, WWF/E Ice Cream Bars dominated my ice cream truck purchases. The frozen treat was fairly simple in design; soft butter cookie out front, vanilla mass produced ice cream in the middle, milk chocolate crisp in the back.

But the genius wasn’t in the flavor; although the soft butter cookie was extremely intoxicating and delicious, it was in the marketing of the WWF/E Superstars of the day. You see the cookie was imprinted with stars from the ebb and flow of years gone by.

Everyone from Hogan to Piper to Savage to JYD to Warrior to Bret to HBK to Luger, Diesel, Razor, Taker, Stone Cold…all the way up to the last series featuring Y2J, Edge and the Hardyz. With a Z. And not only was the cookie featuring our favorite wrestlers, but for the majority of the bars run also included a baseball card and a cutout of a sometimes matching, sometimes not Superstar on the back of the box.

Unfortunately, the ice cream line was cancelled around a decade ago much to the dismay of everyone in the world. But there may be hope for fans of the fat. As seen recently during the CM Punk loose cannon storyline in which he has been “shooting” on the live WWE Raw program, mentioning topics that are very taboo in the “E”…including…you got it…his disappointment about never receiving an ice cream bar featuring his likeness.

Now I know this is a longshot, but Scunge says this is the perfect time to repackage and rerelease the old faithful that’s been missing from my mouth *pause* and stomach for years. I want it. You want it. The world wants it. Vince, if anyone can do it, you can do it.

Recycle the idea like only you can…get the WWE Ice Cream Bars back on the street. Thank you and I love you. Good night.

Scunge back. Monday is our country (USA)’s Independence Day. And to celebrate that we here at EMILIOSPARKSDOTCOM will take a moment to celebrate an icon. An American. Fuck that…an American hero. Kids, today we examine and pay homage to the one and only Sylvester Stallone.

Our regular readers/listeners are familiar with our affinity for Sly. We model our livelihoods after the examples set forth by this film legend. This deep in, you’re probably saying to yourself “OK, gaying out to Stallone has what to do with the 4th of July?” Well I’ll tell you…

Back in the 1980s, our beloved Sylvester portrayed two American heroes that in tandem were responsible for the end of the Cold War, the retroactive victory of Vietnam, the fall of the Berlin Wall and defeat of Communist threat; those heroes are John Rambo and Rocky Balboa, respectively.

Whether it be with a mighty left hook or an explosive tipped arrow, Sly made the world safe for democracy and America. Defeating a foreign enemy and driving away the Red Scare was all in a days work. But the real victory wasn’t in how Stallone made America #1…but how he united us as a nation…and a world. “I want…what they want…for our country to love us…the way we love it…what I’m tryin to say is…if I can change…and you can change…everybody can change!”

So Sly, we salute you, we salute America, we salute barbeques. Here, and everywhere. Happy 4th everybody.

Accidental hero you say? Well Scunge says the accidental hero is one who despite all their flaws and regularity of their lives; have been thrust into situations much bigger than them and through perseverance, determination, heart or just stupid blind luck manage to overcome some seemingly impossible odds. Ride along with me in this car built for two (at a time) as we examine some of my favorite Accidental Heroes (in no particular order)…

John McClaine – “Die Hard”, “Die Hard 2″ (1st half of) “Die Hard With a Vengeance” (still waiting on a fourth installment): Average NYPD cop travels to LA to visit his estranged wife and family at her company Christmas…sorry…”Holiday” party. Sounds innocent enough; that is until Hanz Gruber and his crew come guns blazing into Nakatomi Plaza to steal $600 million in negotiable berrer bonds. We follow our fly in the ointment, monkey in the wrench, pain in the ass as he shoelessly dispatches each of Hanz’s men all to save the wife he never wanted to leave.

In the sequel he takes out even more terrorists after they’ve hijacked an airport and hold the life of his in flight wife and countless others in their hands. Now, you know cops, you’ve met cops, probably are acquainted with a cop or may be one yourself…cops don’t do this shit. They write tickets and arrive at crime scenes too late to help, they don’t take out terrorist groups over the holidays.

Jay and Silent Bob – “Dogma”: Who better to become religious prophets and take on a holy mission to stop two renegade angels from ending their banishment and reenter heaven which would prove god fallible and negate all existence? A couple stoner, weed peddlers indeed. Along their journey partnered with the last scion, the 13th apostle and god herself; our Quick Stop/Jersey mall, comic book inspiring slacker pals help kill off demons, angels and a shit monster in Kevin Smith’s second most far-fetched film (the first being “Chasing Amy”; hot lesbian switching teams? Yeah, ok.)

The Cleveland Indians – “Major League”: This is a bit of a departure in as much as its “hero” in how you define the word. You’re right that sentence didn’t make sense, but, “Major League” is really the definition of what it means to be destined to fail but overcoming the odds and common sense as we find out in the film’s opening scenes that this group of players is brought together specifically for the purpose of losing.

Only problem for the teams reluctant and maligned owner is that once they find out what their purpose really is and they have nothing left to lose; this group of has beens and never-will-bes decide that there’s only one thing left to do…”Win the whole, fuckin, thing”, as so eloquently stated by team catcher Jake Taylor.

With their new found dedication and motivation for stickin it to their boss and seeing her naked (as every win equals an exposed section of clothing from her life sized cardboard cutout), the team makes the playoffs and defeats their rival the dreaded, evil, murderous NY Yankees.

Rocky Balboa - The “Rocky” series: I think the shorter we keep this one, the more in perspective this entry will be. Ok, Rocky Balboa, a tomato can, club boxer…basically a “ham and egger” and debt collector for a low level, second rate loan shark goes from working the street and fighting for peanuts in churches to pushing the undisputed world heavyweight champion to the limit, to winning the title, to successfully defending the title for 4 years, then loses the title but regains it, ends the cold war, but is left with severe brain damage which he magically becomes cured of 15 years later and is able at the age of 60 to push yet another champion to the limit. Talk about living to the maximum of one’s potential.

Jack Burton – “Big Trouble in Little China”: Probably my favorite Accidental Hero of all time because of the fact that he actually thinks he is the hero he still isn’t but carries himself with such an unwavering bravado that at no point does he let anyone think he doesn’t have everything completely in control even though he’s just a total blow hard.

The definition of an outsider, Jack Burton 3rd person speaks his white self through San Francisco Chinatown and becomes enthralled in a world of Chinese myths, legends and hells where he obviously doesn’t belong but doesn’t seem to care as he talks a big game but is constantly discarded during confrontations and awakens to find that all the heavy liftings been taken care of but doesn’t mind taking an undue share of credit.

Whew, this has been a long one, my thumbs are tired (I blog from my phone), so this is the Big Scunge signing off but remember, if you’re ever faced in a situation against improbable odds…its probably gonna end exactly how logic would dictate, don’t be a hero. Goodnight.

The segment features two of the biggest wrestling stars of all time, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and The Rock commence to go off on 15 minutes of literally nonsense…and its the most compelling thing you’ve ever seen in your life. Watch this and be mesmerized as this guys take nothing, absolutely nothing and turn out total entertainment. Enjoy.

Let me explain… Remember the theme song of the 80s cartoon show?

“Leonardo leads, Donatello does ma-chi-ines! Raphael is cool but rude (gimme a break!), Michelangelo is party dude (partay!).” I assigned her the positions of Leo and Raph while I took on Donny and Mikey. If there’s a decision to be made; where to eat, what to watch, when to do laundry; its made by her. If something involves tools; “Put together my vanity”, “Connect the cable box”, “Install a toilet paper dispenser”; I’m the guy.

Someone or some company needs yelling at on the phone, or a price adjusted, or something done lickety split with with backtalk or bullshit; she’s your man. Partying? Scunge.

Yeah…so I just thought I’d share this with yous ’cause she wasn’t 100% on board the “TMNT Personality Trait” train…and wasn’t as amused as I thought she’d be when I came to bed in a purple t-shirt and orange boxer briefs and I pointed out that her night gown was red and blue. That was so Raphael of her.

Couple in a half shell…Scunge Power!

EDITORS NOTES: If you google image search Ninja Turtles & relationships or dating… Dirty pictures appear.

Follow your favorite Scunge Joe So Delicious on twitter maybe he will talk about his engagement

A 15 second blip, nothing clip shows you why The Rock’s, The Rock & everyone else are just bit players on a show that The Rock used to perform on.

What a fucken FAIL. Sex does NOT even exist, you see the chick with the burnt scalp jumping on a bed & sleeping bare assed in a room. Really who gives a fuck about her??? or her sex tape?

Enjoy wasting 6 minutes.

via ONTD

Its common knowledge that I am a fan of the classics. How styling would I be if i wore these Reebok pumps with a pair of Zubaz pants. I’m an old school kinda of guy.

via high snobiety

Photo by GFCNY’s own Steve-O

Hey Scunge take a sec to peep the touching, heartfelt, poignant retirement speech of a great worker, nice guy, original Horsemen and my favorite bump and feeder of all time; “The Enforcer”, “Double A”, Arn Anderson.

Now watch this fuckin hilarious video of Kevin Nash and the nWo mock it while comedy ensues.

MOVE THE FUCK OUTTA YOUR PARENT’S HOUSE AND GET YOUR OWN FUCKIN PLACE!

Whew! I hope that was as cathartic for you as it was for me. But really, I just moved into my official own pad and its a liberating experience. Its oddly freeing knowing you have to handle a boatload of responsibility. Like YOU choose the furniture, the decor, the fridge contents, THE RULES!

The only downside to paradise is 1. The tab is all on you, so spend wisely and B. you live alone…make sure you always have your house keys before you lock the door behind you or you’re gonna have to break it down off the frame (guess which one I had to learn the hard way??).

Below are pictures of my lesson learned.

Synopsis: Scunge is bored. Let’s set up a play date and I’ll bring over my action figures and we’ll play.

Yo remember when we were kids? I mean, like not together cuz more than likely we didn’t know each other growing up; but remember when you were a kid and I was a kid? Remember how much easier it was to have fun back then? I do. :). Remember when we were forced to grow up and leave fun stuff behind? I do. :(. Now I know not everything has been left by the wayside due to aging, like I used to love playing video games (still do), loved playing sports (still do when the opportunity arises); but one of my personal favorite and universally awesome things I had to let go of was playing with action figures.

Like remember how cool it used to be taking all the characters from a line and stage epic battles and movie type dramas with 5″ of Hong Kong plastic? Think about the lines available back in the day of people my age: you had The Turtles, G.I. Joe, WWF wrestlers (big rubber LJNs, little plastic Hasbros, or the bone crunching Jakks depending on age era), Ghostbusters, Masters of the Universe, Thundercats, Marvel superheroes, the numerous movie tie ins…I could be here all day listing all the cool options we had. Playing with action figures was like the closest thing we had or will ever have to playing god and controlling the fates of endless amounts of characters.

We made the decisions, who won, lost, lived, died (although sometimes those decisions were made for us through the attrition of broken plastic limbs, but I digress).

Come on! It was awesome!…WTF happened?? At what point did it become socially unacceptable to “play with toys”? I know what you’re thinking, the increased difficulty of schoolwork, the introduction of girls, peer pressure starting with the first douchebag that had to be cool by not having fun; all this stuff led to the fading out of toys and boyish, imaginative fun. But the question I pose to you is this: we’re grown ass men now…why don’t we tell the forerunners of society to suck one, pick up the plastic again and play with some toys!

Seriously, a lot of us have real jobs, imagine our purchasing power now as opposed to when we had to con the parents into taking us down aisle 5A of the local Toys ‘r’ Us? Am I piquing your interest yet? Come on, if we start a campaign, and we are a legion of 21-30 year old men playing with action figures, who’s gonna say somethin?

You wanna make fun of one of us you’re gonna have to make fun of all of us! And guess what, when there’s more of the minority…they become the majority. We can make playing with toys as socially acceptable as working on cars or going to the gym…you know, boring shit that we call hobbies now and force ourselves to do to break up the monotonous mundanities of our lives.

So I say let’s do it. All it takes is the first one. Like Rosa Parks. Maybe it’ll be me…maybe I’ll be the “Rosa Parks of Grown Men Playing with Toys”…I just gotta ask my mom if its ok first.

I am currently a low-level professional wrestler and…I wouldn’t necessarily say “comedian” per se because I haven’t done stand up in quite some time but I do have a hand in several comedic fields of what I suppose you would call “entertainment”.

For those of you who are here on the site and are frequent visitors and connoisseurs of all things Sparks, some of you may or may not already actually know who I am. I am oft referred to as “Scunge” or “That He-Man standing behind Emilio” or “The Pete Rose of Hip Hop (cause allowing me to pick tracks is always a gamble)” or any of the the fun albeit creepy nicknames that’ve been bestowed upon me.

Now a little background on my connection to Emilio Sparks, we were peripheral pals for some time, then as a gag I was brought along for a promotional spot for his first mix tape dressed as Captain America playing his “bodyguard” so that people would be fooled and believe he was actually a somebody. I guess he enjoyed that, so I was brought in as a guest sit in on his previous podcast “The Dego Cast” in what turned out to be the final episode which has been 100% phantomed and will probably never be heard. Gambling on my “comedic talent; visa vi wit and timing and ability to speak humorously and improv banter” (that’s all in quotations cause I’d have some set a balls to call what I do “talent”); I was brought in as a guest co-host onto The Emilio Sparks Experience radio program (which of course could be heard every Tuesday 10pm-2am on WSIA 88.9fm or streamed live on wsia.fm). Apparently doing a “bang up job”, I was brought in again…and again…and again…and a years worth of agains til today when I’ve pretty much become a staple of the program and later a member of the new, more streamlined version of the podcast; the selfishly clever titled “Emilio Sparks Experience”.

As I’ve been able to add my own voice and ideas to the programs, the idea has been broached to me by Emilio that I should contribute something more other than leaving the room when there’s a musical guest present (I know nothing of music). So he suggested, why not start my own blog on the website.”Great idea!” I said, as I have a whole slew of ideas bouncin around my muscled head….Problem is I have no computer…and am shockingly lazy so the ideas been kinda back burnered for weeks into months but Ima try to actually bang out some of these things of a semi regular basis.

Now the topics I’m gonna cover here and the length at which I’m gonna do it are gonna be quite varied as they’re coming from the labyrinth that is my cerebellum. I’ll be force feeding you my opinions on a whole buncha stuff like movies, wrestling, life frustrations, comics, sports, quantum teleportation, the “Rocky” movies…all sortsa cool shit.

So I hope you enjoyed the introductory origin story of “Scunge Says…” and I’ll look forward to having you read more of this occasionally lucid rambling of nonsense. Well…that’s it. I’m gonna go to bed now. Take care then. Good…I…um…later (I’m socially awkward and don’t know how to end conversations, just bare with me, I’ll get it).

Editors Note: Joe does not own a computer, this blog post was done on Joe’s Black Berry. Joe own’s a Captain America costume.